It’s Not You, It’s Me
It's Not You, It's Me
Written by Th0rNd
Twitter.com/Th0rNd
Twitch.tv/th0rnd
Any of you that I’ve talked to at any length will know that I apologize, a LOT. I don’t know why I do it; what compels me to feel obligated to apologize for some of the most trivial things? I do it on the internet with friends and acquaintances, and also in real life with family and friends. I’m sure that there could be some line drawn to a point in my life and a big “A HA!” moment would come into view, but I’m not sure I care to dig that deep or far to find out.
I analyze a lot. And not so much other people, but more so my interactions with them. “Could I have said this differently?” “Did that come across too harsh?” “Did I get my point across?” “Do they understand what I am saying and/or feeling?” These questions float around in my head all day, every day. I try to stop it...I can’t.
The whole point of this post, I guess, is a request. Maybe something more, I’m not sure. I guess we will see. Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about the people I’ve come to know, talk to, laugh with, and have interaction. There have been some that will suddenly “disappear”. I won’t hear anything, any reason why. That’s when that voice in my head pops up and starts throwing the barrage of questions I listed above and more around. Most likely, they just got busy or needed a break. Maybe something happened in their family and they haven’t had a chance to let people know. The “logical” Th0rNd knows this and understands this. Th0rNd can’t always use that logical side to quell the noise of all the questions. I literally play back in my head each interaction, wondering if I said or did something that could cause a person I’ve called a friend to just suddenly stop talking to me. I usually find something, no matter how small it might have been, and start working on a way I can make it better.
I’m a “fixer”. It irritates the life out of my wife. When something is wrong, I want to fix it. I want people around me to be happy. If there’s trouble, I want to make sure it’s dealt with quickly so everyone can go back to being happy. My wife will often tell me that a lot of problems don’t need to be fixed, that I just need to listen. That is SOOOOOO hard to do. Maybe it’s a guy thing, or maybe I’m just a bit more unique in that, I don’t know. I haven’t asked around. I feel ashamed of it at times, but I also reason with myself that I never know when it is best to just listen, and when a person is looking for a solution. I’m saying all of this to refer back to the previous paragraph - when someone poofs, I go back to the interactions I had, I look for something that I did wrong, I find something I think I did wrong, and I look for a way to fix it. In come the apologies.
I understand that these apologies are annoying, especially when the person poofs because of life, and not because I said or did something. Logical Th0rNd knows this happens all the time...there again, Logical Th0rNd doesn’t always come out to play.
I’ve always found it better to maintain friendships over the internet. I deal with anxiety in interactions and daily life, and the internet has helped me find ways to cope with that. And the kicker is, I’m one of the worst people for “poofing”!!! It’s rarely because someone did something or said something - it’s usually because of life! Why can’t I wrap my head around this when the tables are flipped and it happens to me? For the life of me, I don’t know and don’t think I ever will.
It’s to a point where I’ve asked my wife to preface any troubling conversation with “I just need you to listen.” I guess I just need the reassurance that I didn’t do something wrong, that someone isn’t mad at me or I didn’t do something to hurt them unknowingly.
That’s where the request comes in - if you need to take a break, have something going on, or are genuinely mad with/at someone, please please please take a moment to let them know. It may sound silly and stupid, but just think about the person on the other end when you have to poof. I would never want someone that I talked to sitting there worried they might have upset me, when in reality I’m just dealing with the every day stress of life.
This is something I’m working on, and I’m working on the apology thing too. I’ll still apologize, and I’ll still go poof. If I’ve done that to you, anonymous reader, please know it isn’t intentional. Unless it’s THAT anonymous reader. If it’s THAT one, you know what you did...